Naruto Crack Fic
by smiles1116
Summary: This is... severely OOC Naruto characters who have replaced my friends in the crack fiction that I did a few years ago. Please enjoy the severe crackyness that is this series. Please keep in mind, my writing was not what it is.
1. Crack Fic the First

**Naruto Crack Fic! 1**

_Hmm… Time for a partial explanation. I originally made these crack fics for my friends at school, but they were about my friends, too. ^^ See, THIS is the product of a bored day in class for me. I changed all the names to Naruto characters because… it was funnier, and none of you know my friends anyway. Either way, enjoy the crack fest! XD_

Aria yawns, boredom and exhaustion being the main points of the day. Head on her arm, she falls into a slight doze….

_**=SLAM!=**_

The whole academy jumps except for Aria and Shikamaru, who are, _surprisingly_, asleep at their desks. Kiba pokes Shikamaru, who moves not; his nap remains quite undisturbed. Temari throws a paper wad at Shikamaru, but pulls an Aria and hits Aria instead. Aria looks up from under her hood and hair with an evil look on her face. Temari, sensing her fate, quickly points at Kankuro. (Kankuro looks and goes, "What'd I do?") Aria gets up and pulls a bazooka from her back pocket and aims it at Kankuro, who is very confused. As the cannon warms up, Shikamaru throws Kiba's pink iPod at Aria, misses, and hits Temari in the face. Temari asks Aria, "Can I borrow your bazooka?" Aria shrugs and hands it to her (Kankuro faints in relief.), and Temari prepares to shoot Shikamaru. All of a sudden, a chicken flies overhead for no apparent reason and drops an egg on Temari, who swings around and glares at Kankuro. Together, Aria and Temari shoot the bazooka at Kankuro (while Shikamaru and the chicken laugh very much and get high on pot)…. They… miss… and hit Sasuke, much to EVERYONE'S disappointment! XD

The end.


	2. Crack Fic the Second

**Naruto Crack Fic! 2**

_Hmm… Alas, the second has been typed. I wonder if it is any good? Please keep in mind that these are NOT recent. In fact, the first dates back to December of 2006. ^^' Hate me if you wish, however, I'd like feedback before I dare to post another of my long ago crack fics. ^^_

So in Algebra II one day with Kakashi-sensei as a substitute, Kankuro and Aria are laughing about some stupid thing that happened over the weekend. They are having a good time. All of a sudden, narcolepsy takes over, and Kankuro falls asleep. Aria decides to be a smartass and writes "dumbass" on Kankuro's forehead with a permanent marker. All of a sudden, Gaara walks in singing "Scotty Doesn't Know," but he begins singing "Kankuro Doesn't Know" when he sees Kankuro's forehead. Then Lee comes in, Mission: Impossible III style, with Tenten, Ino, and Chouji close behind as Charlie's Angels. Gai and Kiba walk in with Temari, and Gai shoots Sasuke. Temari laughs and steals Lee's rope, causing him to fall out of the window with the Angels to the ground below. Gai throws the gun down and dives out of the window to save his angels! Kiba, Temari, Kankuro, and Aria throw Sasuke's body after them. Gaara walks out. Sakura runs in and says, "Hey! Kankuro has 'Dumbass' written on her forehead!" Kankuro kills her with a chicken grenade. Temari throws a stapler at Aria, which misses and hits Kiba. Temari points at Aria, and Kiba runs at her. "You stupid whore!" He yells. Aria sidesteps; he runs into Temari; they fall into Sakura, who is still dead yet standing; and Sakura falls out of the window. Aria, Kiba, Kankuro, and Temari look out of the window. Kiba says, "Let's eat," and so the four leave class to go to Taco Bell.

The end.


	3. Crack Fic the Third

**Naruto Crack Fic! 3**

_Hmm… The third makes an appearance. Do you guys really actually LIKE these things?! … *shrugs* Eh, whatever. Here it is: the "long-awaited" third.... Go nuts._

So, Aria and Kiba are sitting in Chemistry, neither really listening to whatever the hell it is that Iruka-sensei's going on about. They share a look. At the same time, Sakura comes in with Ino chasing her with a chicken grenade and a burrito. Gaara follows them in, singing "American Idiot" and laughing as Sakura runs screaming from Ino. Then Kankuro appears with a pink iPod, which he had stolen from Kiba. Kankuro and Kiba trip Sakura with the headphones, and Aria throws a banana at Ino, who spills her burrito. The Aflac duck walks in and slips on the spilt burrito. He slides into Ino, who looks around wildly and sees Shikamaru. Fearing the worst, she runs to him screaming, grabs his arm, and together they run out the door. Gaara grabs the duck and runs out of the room singing "Aflac Doesn't Know." Sakura is on the ground, unconscious from the banana. Kankuro sticks the banana up her nose. Kiba (who won't die in _**this**_ story) picks up the burrito and gives it to Iruka-sensei. Kankuro, Aria, and Kiba walk out of the room, grab Temari, and go to Chic-fil-A for lunch! XD

The end.


	4. Crack Fic the Fourth

**Naruto Crack Fic! 4**

_Hmm… Presenting: Sasuke Crack Fic… the FOURTH! *…* That is all._

So, Aria and Kankuro are sitting in Spanish class with Kiba "watching" the movie "Don Quixote," and then they hear a scream. Oh no! It's the Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei)! So, after a quick change in Kakashi-sensei's portable phone booth closet (of DOOM!), they come out with stick-on mustaches made out of green and pink post-it notes to keep their identities secure so that no one will be able to steal them. So, disguised Kiba, Kankuro, and Aria go next door to English 11 and see seven poor souls being tortured by having the smart sucked out of their toilet paper! And then Kankuro (in disguise!) says, "Oh no! They are having the smart sucked out of their toilet paper!" And Kiba (in disguise!) says, "I think you are right! But what are we going to do?" Aria (in disguise!) says, "How about we get Sasuke's head to stop her!" So, Kankuro (in disguise!) zooms out and drags Sasuke to the scene of the sucking. Kiba (in disguise!) takes Kiba's pink iPod and uses its musical singing abilities to pull off Sasuke's head. Temari screams as Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei) turns to take her smart from her toilet paper, but as she tries, Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei) realizes that Temari has moved it to her head. Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei) starts to suck the smart out of poor Temari's head when Shikamaru (in disguise!) shows up and gives Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei) an A+ paper on ninja tracking history, hereby turning off the Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei)'s super smart sucking powers. Kankuro (in disguise!), Aria (in disguise!), and Kiba (in disguise!) feel like complete dumbasses. They undisguised themselves and get Temari and shoot the Jeffery Cain (Iruka-sensei) to Jupiter on a jellybean that was orange starburst flavored. It also self-destructed when he ate it. Then Aria (out of disguise!), Kankuro (out of disguise!), Kiba (out of disguise!), and Temari (never in disguise!) go to New China to have Chinese food for lunch, completely forgetting all about poor Sasuke and his head. XD

The end.


	5. Crack Fic the Fifth

**Naruto Crack Fic! 5**

_Hmm… This is the fifth I've posted. Somebody must like it an awful lot...._

So, Aria is sitting on her bed with a stereo remote, DVD player remote, TV remote, Play Station 2 controller, mp3 player, and tennis ball all beside her. She gave up on Iruka-sensei's homework long ago. Quite reluctantly rising, she gets the phone and headset. "Hey, I'm talking to Yuki!" her sister yells. "Shut up, whore," Aria says, mood increasingly distraught. She unplugs the phone line while her sister isn't looking and re-enters the jack into the hole (XD). Her sister hangs up the phone, as Yuki apparently had hung up on her. Aria takes the phone and calls Kiba. Kiba's mom answers.

"Hello?" she says.

"Can I talk to Kiba please?" Aria asks.

Kiba says, "Hello?"

Aria says, "I think we really did kinda make Kankuro mad at us, Kiba. Gosh, it's all YOUR fault, too! If you weren't such a brunette dumb person…."

Kiba says, "No, it's not my fault. It's all YOUR fault! Because YOU are his dirty whore, and YOU should have KNOWN better than to make it PKW (aka Pick on Kankuro Week)!"

Aria says, "Hey! I just made the suggestion! It's… it's…."

"**All Naruto's fault!**" Kiba yells.

"Yeah! Stupid Naruto!" Aria says, not really meaning it.

"But wait!" Kiba says. "Isn't it Kankuro's fault for starting 'Pick on *insert random name here*'s Week' in the first place?!"

"Yeah…." Aria thinks. "Yeah, it is. Kankuro is such a chulo estupido sucio muy grande. It's all his fault." (See Author's Note 1 at end.)

Kiba laughs, "Haha! Yeah, it's all that stupido Kankuro's fault for being such a whore!"

Aria grins and says, "Yeah. You shouldn't pay him so well…."

"What are you talking about?" asks Kiba.

"I'm just saying you shouldn't pay his whorish wages so well…." Aria says.

Kiba asks, "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because," Aria says, "all it does is give him a big head!" (See Author's Note 2 at end.)

Kiba laughs, "Ego, yes. Other areas… he just WISHES!"

Kiba and Aria laugh really hard while Kankuro is tapping into their phone lines after psychically hearing his name being said. Kiba agrees with Aria, while Kankuro listens in. "Yeah, we need to write I story tomorrow, Kiba."

"What about?" Kiba asks.

Aria says, "It has to be one of my famous stupid and crack-filled kind, but we will each write it sentence by sentence."

Kiba says, "This should be interesting."

Aria says, "Yeah, I know."

Kiba grins and says, "I'm in."

The end.

***Author's Note 1: "Chulo estupido sucio muy grande" is Spanish for "big, stupid, dirty whore."

***Author's Note 2: *LMAO* Don't you LOVE the pun?! XD


	6. Crack Fic the Sixth

**Naruto Crack Fic! 6**

_Hmm… My morning has just been PWNED by a whole grain bagel smothered in vegetable garden cream cheese. Mmm… bagel! *drools* And donuts. I loooove donuts! *grins* Special thanks to InsanityIsTheNewBlack and Sukariaa Uchiha for reviewing and to MistakenForSomeoneWhoCares for being a yonking fantastic onii-kun! ^^ *grins* Now, *in imitation Batman voice*, to the Crack!_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, one very cold day in Chemistry, Iruka-sensei is showing Tenten how to name an acid while Aria and Sasuke, along with the rest of the class, are forced to ignore him in a tortured silence. Aria yawns, and Sasuke plays drums on his lab table. Head on hand, Aria almost falls asleep in the midst of the misfortune of the lecture of painful acids. Thinking how lucky she is to be good at Chemistry and math, she accidentally does fall into a chemical-naming induced stupor, and the completely asleep. Sasuke sees this, and he finds it very much to his liking. He very discreetly makes a paper wad and launches his attack on Aria at the very moment that Kankuro walks into the room. Kankuro steps into the line of fire and receives a blow to the head.

So, turning to glare at Sasuke, he pulls out Kiba's deadly pink iPod along with his own. Using the headphones, he cleverly and skillfully fashions them into shuriken-iPods. Sasuke, upon seeing this, pulls out, from his pocket, a syringe and some pot. He jumps out of the window, finds Temari, and takes back his rope (see second crack fic). Tying the pot to the rope, he throws the end of it at Kankuro. Kankuro takes off the pot and throws it to the still laughing chicken to get high on. Naruto walks in and takes her burrito from Iruka-sensei. The Aflac duck runs in screaming, "Get the f*ck out of my way!" with Gaara chasing after him singing "I Wanna F*ck You." The rest are watching in amusement, except for Aria, who is sleeping. Kankuro turns back to Sasuke and starts swinging his shuriken-iPods. Sasuke holds his needle-syringe like a knife and advances toward Kankuro. Just as Sasuke throws his syringe and Kankuro flings his iPods, Kiba walks in with Sakura dressed as a giant bunny. The needle-syringe sticks in Sakura the bunny's eye, and the iPods cut off his head. It crashes to the ground, and Kiba starts to cry. The chicken gives Kiba some pot and tells her it will...

1. make everything better

2. make her laugh

3. make her forget that Kankuro and Sasuke have killed yet another bunny

or

4. do nothing but f*ck everything up further, but she will be too high on pot to care.

So, Kiba smokes pot with the chicken, and the Aflac duck runs behind Naruto. Naruto drops her burrito (again), and Gaara stops singing and starts laughing. Naruto pulls out a chicken grenade and throws it at Sasuke, misses, and hits Temari. Temari gets mad and wakes up Aria.

"Can I borrow your bazooka again?" she asks.

Aria says, "I left it at home today, but I did bring my Napalm. Here!"

So, Temari uses it to blast Naruto. She misses, and it hit Ino instead. Naruto starts laughing, and she slips on her burrito and falls on the Aflac duck. Gaara stops singing, and he looks around sadly and starts singing again: "Oh where, oh where has my f*cky duck gone? Oh where, oh where could he be?" Kiba and the chicken walk away and go to a biker bar. Kankuro is jealous, so he follows them. Aria, Temari, and Sasuke all shrug at each other and follow, leaving Gaara and Naruto to decide the poor Aflac duck's fate. Gaara begins singing "Nobody Doesn't Know."

So, Kankuro gets to the biker bar and sees the chicken playing cards for pot and Kiba making out with a biker who, oddly enough, resembles Gai-sensei. Kankuro gets very angry, and, at that point, Aria, Temari, and Sasuke walk in. Kankuro says, "That biker is making out with my whore!"

So, Sasuke goes to play poker with the chicken. Temari says, "Are you going to let him get away with that?"

Kankuro says, "No, I am not!"

Aria and Temari say, "We'll help you!"

Kankuro looks at them sadly and says, "No. You stay here. I can't let my chula (*cough Spanish for whore cough*) and my sister have a chance of getting hurt or leaving me like my whore Kiba did!"

So, Kankuro goes to the biker who, oddly enough, looks like Gai-sensei and says, "Hey, that's my whore you are tonguing!"

The biker looks at Kankuro and says, "Well, your whore is now MY whore, and I bet she pays me better than you!"

Kankuro says, "I did such a good job that she didn't HAVE to pay me!"

The biker says, "That's not true!"

Kankuro says, "You're right. I was paying her to f*ck you, but I guess she never got around to it. Besides, I bet she's only paying you minimum wage."

The biker turns very red and cries. Kiba is still high on pot. Sasuke is getting high on pot with the chicken. Temari and Aria decide they are bored, and they get motorcycles and drive around inside the bar. Kankuro starts freaking out, and Kiba, Sasuke, and the chicken are laughing at him. Aria's motorcycle crashes, and Kankuro starts chasing Temari's motorcycle. Aria gets up and laughs. The Temari gets a smart idea and crashes into the counter after Kankuro grabbed a bunch of beer. Then Kiba, Sasuke, and the chicken are too high on pot to get out of the bar before it blows up, but Aria, Kankuro, and Temari leave and go to the basement of Tsunade's Lego house and party, play great music, drink beer, and play drinking games. Then they laugh and wonder if they forgot something. (Somewhere in a cold Chemistry classroom far, far away, a poor Aflac duck is being raped and force-fed burritos.) Shrugging it off, they find they no longer care and do nothing but drink some more beer!

The end.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**Author's Afterthought: **_As I've said before to a couple of people, this one is my all-time favorite crack fic. *grins* Do you like it?_


	7. Crack Fic the Seventh

**Naruto Crack Fic! 7**

_Hmm… I've made a new friend. ^^ Yay! I am PROUD of you who get this far in this seriously cracked-out series._

So, Aria and Kiba are sitting in Spanish II one day, laughing about Kankuro and Pick on Kankuro Week. They are quite thoroughly enjoying themselves when Kankuro stumbles in screaming, "I saw a Ninja Turtle! It was Rafael! He is my hero! I want to marry him!"

"Oh Kami!" Aria and Kiba yell. They begin to laugh at Kankuro.

Aria says, "You are just out of luck because the only people that love you are me, Kiba, and Michelangelo the Ninja Turtle!"

Kiba laughs, and Kankuro looks upset. Kiba adds, "Don't forget about Tommy the red Power Ranger!"

Aria says, "Oh yeah! Only me, Kiba, Michelangelo the Ninja Turtle, and Tommy the red Power Ranger love you, Kankuro!"

Kankuro makes a sad face and asks, "What about Rafael the Ninja Turtle?"

He starts to cry and runs under a car tire that just happens to be flying through the water. Aria, Kiba, and Tommy the red Power Ranger look at each other. Tommy the red Power Ranger, being the hero that he is, says, "I will save you, Kankuro!"

He then looks at the water and yells, "I can't swim!"

Kiba asks, "Why?"

Aria says, "Because Kankuro cried the river so that we could drown him in it."

Kiba tells Tommy the red Power Ranger to build a bridge and go save Kankuro with his belt because Kankuro will love him forever. Kiba says, "But before you do that, throw Kankuro a raft!"

Aria says, "Look! I found a key! The key goes to… la casa de cerveza *cough Spanish for the House of Beer cough*!"

Tommy the red Power Ranger starts to build a bridge but realizes he has one in his pocket. Kankuro decided he doesn't want to drown anymore, so Kiba, Kankuro, and Aria go to la casa de cerveza and leave Tommy the red Power Ranger on the bridge wondering where his belt went. (Rafael runs away with Tommy the red Power Ranger's belt as his new mask.) Then Kiba, Kankuro, and Aria go to watch movies, listen to great music, play cards, and ¡beben muy muchas cervezas! (See Author's Note at end.) In other words…

A very happy ending for Kiba, Kankuro, and Aria! XD

The end.

"Don't forget about the sex!" Kankuro yells, pointing at the last list. He adds with an erotic grin, "And it wasn't Kiba!"

***Author's Note: "Beben muy muchas cervezas" is Spanish for "drink very many beers!" X3


End file.
